A Strong Fragility
by jennylyne
Summary: After the squad from the one-six edures a tragic scene, Olivia Benson must make quite possibly the hardest decision of her career and her life.
1. Chapter 1

A Strong Fragility Chapter 1

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia wondered why she didn't just go with her instincts more. Surely by now she should know to trust her gut. Her gut instinct was if she turned that phone on, she would be called and sure enough there was half a dozen messages waiting for her. Cragen told her to keep the phone off until she returned from her much needed, much deserved vacation; her sixth sense told her she was needed and sure enough, she was.

Olivia wished for the siren, but her private vehicle was without. She hurried to the scene, all six messages from her captain telling her exactly where that was. She didn't like the tone in Cragen's voice, this was serious and they needed her specifically. There were children involved and there was always a specific tone used when children were at risk. Special Victims included children, it's what they did, but still those young victims managed to break even the most seasoned detectives. Olivia knew for a fact that she had been broken many times by the littlest victims, too young to understand, too late to save.

The scene was pure chaos if described by an outsider or civilian, but she could see where the order started and unfortunately just a few feet from him is where it stopped. Cragen was involved in a heated conversation with the SWAT commander, refusing to stand down when ordered. Olivia was not used to seeing her Captain defy an order, he was all about respecting the chain of command. Today, that chain had missing links and Olivia scanned the area as she approached the arguing men.

Cragen turned when he sensed his detective approaching. "Benson, we need you now!" Don Cragen all but shoved the Kevlar vest at Olivia as he pulled her by the arm around to the back of the van.

"Captain, what's going on. I came as soon as I got your messages." Olivia eyed the hostage negotiator as he frantically set up his equipment.

"Raul Rossello. Ring a bell?" Cragen waited until Olivia had fastened her vest before handing her an earpiece. He attached the mic to her vest as she positioned the piece into her ear.

Olivia didn't have to think long before she pulled up the case that involved Raul and his two small children. "Yeah, he got a quarter and lost his kids to foster care. Captain that was nearly thirteen years ago..."

"Good behavior. Was sentenced before the guidelines changed. Twenty-five gave him twelve and a half." Cragen waved off the SWAT commander. "He wants his kids back, Liv."

"They've got to be teenagers by now, maybe older." Olivia handed over her gun to her captain, she knew she would have to go unarmed. Cragen simply stared at his detective, saddened that she easily figured out where this was headed.

"He's a loose cannon, Liv. He wanted Elliot to get his kids and bring them here." Cragen spoke quickly when he saw the look on Olivia's face. "We told him Elliot was no longer with the NYPD, so he said he wanted his partner. The lady cop that took his kids from him to bring them back."

"Captain, we've got to get her out of here." Cragen nodded to the head paramedic that had tended to Rollings after she went down.

"Rollins was sent to talk to him, got five of the twenty-five kids out before he shot her. He demanded to speak to you." Cragen watched as Olivia took a step back. "She's going to be okay, but she's having a hard time right now. She's not been around as long as you have, Olivia. She will crack if those kids aren't rescued."

Olivia turned away from Cragen, reaching for the door of the ambulance. She quickly stepped inside, just long enough to make eye contact with Rollins. The wordless conversation was enough to let Amanda know that she had made it and that she would do all she could to get the kids out of the school and away from Raul Rossello. Olivia pounded the back of the ambulance door once she closed it and jumped when the sirens started despite expecting the noise.

Cragen walked with Olivia as she made her way to the gate to the school yard. He didn't want her to go in, he didn't want her to have to face a man that had no problems shooting cops, but he also knew that she would do whatever it took to save the kids that were in that school. "He has a bunch of kids, which is basically trading power. He wants his kids brought to him. We are trying to locate them now for no other reason than to talk to him. We will not bring them on scene."

Olivia cringed at the noise in her ear, quickly adjusting her earpiece. She looked around at the media that had already converged on the scene. She wondered if they knew the gunman's name for if they did, surely it would be displayed on the screen from every major television news station in NY. A madman at a local elementary school would definitely be breaking news and if his name was shown, there would be a chance that Elliot would see it. She felt confident that if Elliot knew who she was dealing with, he would come. He hadn't visited, called or returned her calls in nearly a year, but still she had to believe he wouldn't let her do this alone.

Cragen brought Olivia's attention back to him by grabbing her arms, forcing her to face him. "Raul Rossello is a live wire. He has twenty terrified children in there and has already shot Rollins. I need those kids out and him set up for a kill shot."

"Cap..."

"He has already shot a detective. He doesn't know if he killed her or not. He knows he is going down for good and I don't think he will hesitate to take you with him. He wants his kids, we want those kids in there." Cragen stared into Olivia's eyes. "Be careful, Benson."

"Detective Benson, are you able to hear me clearly?" Olivia's attention was directed to the voice in her ear.

"Affirmative." Benson wondered if she could be heard considering the mic was now underneath the hot, heavy vest.

"Name is Martinez. Joe is fine. I will be in your head until we are through this." Olivia turned toward the white van where she suspected Joe was. "Welcome back. I hope you had a good vacation."

Olivia gave a slight wave as she shook her head in disbelief. Cragen had left her, and she caught a glimpse of him as he was ordered to enter the van as well. She spotted her partner along the south side of the building, flanked by two sharpshooters. She couldn't help but feel at least a little relief to know that she was not going in totally alone. Nick held her gaze for as long as he could before Joe's voice in her ear made her look away.

"Benson, I am counting on you to talk to me. Talking to him, talks to me. He wants his kids and as long as he has hope for that, we have hope for those children in there." Joe cleared his throat which seemed especially loud to Olivia. "We have been talking with him via his cell and he has asked for you by name. I will be able to put him on a three way giving you direct access to talk to him. Talk to him, he asked for you, make sure he knows it's you."

Olivia looked up at the sky, taking a minute to realize how blue a cloudless sky could be. The air was cool which made for a beautiful day. "I'm ready, Joe. Call him."

"Raul, I have Detective Benson here and she is coming to talk to you." Joe's voice was much more comforting than the desperate frustration she heard in Raul's.

"Is that her? She doesn't look the same. Don't play games with me, Joe. You saw what happened to that other lady cop."

"It's her. It's been nearly thirteen years, you know. People change. Your children have changed as well, they're nearly grown." Joe spoke quickly, causing Raul to respond quickly.

"Raul Rossello. It's Detective Benson. Let's find a way to work this out." Olivia had entered the school yard and was slowly making her way toward the doors that led to the school cafeteria where Raul was with the young children.

"Benson. You're the bitch cop that took my kids from me, no?"

"I am that bitch cop, yes. Raul, we are trying to find Julian and Maria now. You know they are going to want these kids released unharmed first."

"Nice Benson." Joe had forgotten to give Olivia the names of Raul's kids, but Olivia rarely if ever forgot the names of the victims she saved.

"I know how the game is played. I give to show good faith and then you all lie to me." Raul's voice was venom laced and this made Olivia that much more nervous as she continued making her way toward the school.

"Come on, Raul. You know as well as I do why you chose a school. You knew it was an easy way to come up with trading power. Give me those kids and I will then give to you." Olivia stopped just short of the school, her gaze falling onto Nick who was only a few feet from her.

"Who's out there with you, Benson?"

"No, Olivia. Do not give up Amaro's position." Joe's order was clear, but Olivia chose not to hear him. Her ass was on the line right now, she trusted her gut after all these years and her gut said tell him.

"My partner. I need someone I trust to help me get those kids to safety." Olivia tried to see inside the cafeteria but the glare from the sun hitting the windows was nearly blinding.

"They told me your partner had left. That self-righteous son of a bitch couldn't handle it, huh?" Raul laughed and Olivia was back nearly thirteen years ago with his voice.

"I have a new partner. Raul, it's time to give us something." Olivia could hear Joe talking to Cragen, but couldn't quite make out what he was saying.

"I want my kids brought to me. I am losing patience, Benson." Raul's voice as now filled with warning.

"We are working on that like I said. I want those kids." Olivia made her voice equally as demanding.

There was no response from Raul so Joe cut in. "Raul, you said it yourself, show of good faith."

"Benson, I want you in here. They will move faster if it's one of their own." Raul ordered one of the kids to open the door.

Olivia walked into the cafeteria, giving herself a few minutes for her eyes to adjust. "Raul, these kids are terrified. Come on, look at them."

"Turn around." Olivia did as ordered, her hands kept raised to show she wasn't a threat to Raul. "Get them out of here. Not these two."

Olivia glanced at the two children Raul held close to him. "Raul, them too. I will stay, let them go too."

"Take it or leave it, Benson." Raul used his gun to motion to the children that were all sitting against the wall.

"Get them kids out now, Benson!" Joe's direct order frustrated Olivia but she complied to both Joe and Raul.

Olivia hurried over to the frightened children, directing them to run to the police man at the door. Nick held his hands out to the children while he glanced around inside the cafeteria. He took in the possible entry spots for a sharpshooter to make contact. Olivia knew better than to feel any sense of relief when there were still two children and herself to get out as well.

"Tell them his kids are on the way." Joe's suggestion was once again ignored.

"Raul, we are trying to get your kids here. They are teenagers now, it's going to take some time to find them. Look at these two kids, they're scared to death." Olivia took a few steps closer knowing the movement would force Raul to react.

"That's close enough." Raul aimed his gun at the little boy. Olivia tried not to look into the boys eyes, but she could feel the fear that she refused to see.

"Okay, Raul. Okay." Olivia held her hands up in a surrendering position.

"You give me mine back and you can have these two." Raul used his gun to point at the little boy.

Olivia could see how scared the little boy was and she could feel he was going to pull away and in that very instant he did. He reached for Olivia but fell just short of her hands. "No!"

Raul immediately knelt down behind Olivia, his gun touching her temple. He screamed at the officers outside not to come in. He especially glared at Nick as he held a shaking gun against Olivia's head.

Olivia rested her fingers against the boy's neck. She looked up, meeting Nick's glare through the window. It was all she could do not to react to the lifeless child she held in her arms.

"Benson! Talk to me." Joe's voiced pierced through her senses.

"Raul, it's not too late. Let me get him out of here. He needs help." Olivia picked the boy up, ignoring the blood as it covered the front of her vest. "Please, Raul!"

Raul stared at the boy. "I didn't mean to hurt him. Oh, God!"

Olivia started toward the door with the boy, looking back at the traumatized little girl who watched her. Raul was so concentrated on Olivia's movements that he had forgotten about the little girl and Olivia prayed she would run the other way and out into the school. Olivia felt Raul as his body was pressed against hers from behind, clearly using her as shield as Olivia opened the door.

"Okay?" Nick reached for the boy as Olivia flinched against the gun Raul jammed into the side of her head. He tried to read her eyes but all he could see was what Olivia already knew. The boy was dead and Raul was definitely a live wire as Joe had explained earlier.

"Benson, as soon as you're clear of him, we are moving in. Create distance as soon as possible." Joe's voice was more of a threat as Olivia immediately looked for the little girl. If Raul had forgotten about her, mentioning the fact to Joe that there was still one more child would draw his attention to her.

"Raul, it's not too late. They're going to help that little boy. You've got to end this before it's too late." Olivia could feel the way Raul shook against her and she dared move against his gun. She allowed herself a deep breath when she felt him pull the gun away from her head.

"I just wanted my kids. Why wouldn't they give me my kids back. I did my time, but still they said no." Raul was coming unglued and Olivia knew his erratic motions would create the distance Joe was looking for.

"Benson." Joe warned through Olivia's earpiece.

Olivia was silent as Raul's attention was pulled by the crying girl just a few feet away. He created the distance himself as he started toward her. "Run!" Olivia watched as the girl did as Olivia ordered.

The noise was deafening as Olivia immediately hit the floor, covering her head as gunfire filled the room. Finally, she could hear the little girl screaming, the officers hollering and Joe in her ear.

Olivia ignored Joe's orders to respond as she crawled over to the little girl who was trapped beneath the weight of Raul's body. "It's okay, it's okay." Olivia knew it was anything but okay but the way that little girl stared at her told her it had to be. Olivia pulled her away from Raul as the officers entered, guns drawn.

"Olivia!" Nick's voice was a welcomed distraction for Olivia as she pulled the girl in close to her, shielding her head into her chest.

"Benson!" Joe was awaiting some kind of response.

"Suspect in custody." Olivia watched Nick as he shook his head after checking Raul. "Suspect is dead."

Nick knelt down in front of Olivia, waiting for her to hand the girl over. He would wait until she was ready, but he suddenly realized there would be no hurrying now. Olivia closed her eyes as she felt the movements of the little girl in her arms still. Olivia had no idea where she had been hit, but what did it matter now anyway.

"Come on, Liv." Nick guided her to her feet, not even trying to take the girl from her. He walked with her from the school and toward the commotion in the street. The news cameras were held back, but it was known that the scene would be caught on camera anyway. The image of Olivia carrying the lifeless child from the school would be broadcast on every news station ensuring that none of those present would ever forget what had just transpired.

Olivia stood in front of her captain, the blank stare she greeted him with nearly broke his heart yet he reached for the girl. Olivia allowed Cragen to take the child from her where he immediately handed her over to the waiting medic. "It's too late."

Joe made his way toward Olivia, removing his headset as he stopped in front of her.

"You moved in too soon. You moved in too soon and now it's too late." Olivia's voice was rough and Cragen held his hand up to Joe, suggesting he leave her alone; at least for a few minutes. Joe headed the older man's warnings and walked away.

Cragen watched Olivia as she stood nearly motionless. The blood from both children covering the front of her vest. "He was a loose cannon. There was no way, Captain."

"I know. I know, Liv, but you tried." Cragen's soft tone was enough to allow Olivia to finally break. Cragen quickly pulled her into his chest, motioning for Amarro and Fin to help form a barrier so that she could have whatever time she needed.

Cragen held his shaking detective not caring what else was going on around them. They would deal with the aftermath after.


	2. Chapter 2

A Strong Fragility Chapter 2

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"You okay?" John Munch forced Olivia to slide over, allowing for him to sit down next to her in the busy emergency waiting room. He didn't wait for an answer knowing that if he even got one from her it would be traditional Olivia Benson. "Rollins is expected to be okay, got herself a story for the grand kids someday."

"I'm fine, John and I doubt she'll want to tell this one." Olivia barely looked up at her older colleague, but when she did she wondered exactly when it was he became immune to the heartache that so very often was their world.

"She's responsible for saving a few of those kids." John tried to put a spin on the situation that he knew first hand Olivia would reject.

"Then I'm responsible for losing two." Olivia looked John directly in the eyes with her response and dared him to offer yet another explanation.

"Uh, yeah. I think I'm going to give that one to Rossello."

Olivia wiped almost obsessively at the blood that had managed to stain her shirt past the vest. She made no progress with her efforts, but neither her nor John were looking for results. Olivia found the silence between them now to be necessary as well as comforting. John stilled her movements by simply placing his hand over hers. Only then did she realize she was quickly losing control.

"John, it never ends." Olivia struggled to keep her voice free of emotion, but her passion for the victims wasn't a secret to anyone close to her. "I thought taking the promotion would somehow put me on the outside looking in. That somehow I could be more objective, maybe a little less connected somehow."

"A title doesn't change who you are. At least it shouldn't." John lowered his glasses so that Olivia could see his eyes plainly. "They say your job doesn't define you, but we know damn right well that it does. At least for us it does."

Olivia shook her head slightly knowing her life revolved around her career, her job, the victims, the children. "Sometimes, I think I feel too much, you know. Maybe if I didn't, then I'd be better able to handle situations like these."

"Nobody expects you to handle any situation any certain way and certainly becoming a Sargent doesn't afford you the ability to look the other way." John waited until Olivia looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears. "Sargent Benson, Detective Benson, does it matter, Liv? You're hurting because you witnessed those kids die needlessly. We get to see the worst life has to offer up close and personal and the best part is, we signed up for it."

"Yeah, I can always walk away." Olivia lost her battle against her emotions as a few tears broke free. She quickly wiped them away for fear she would have to admit she was dangerously close to breaking down. Breaking down and falling apart.

"No, you can't. If you could, you would have by now." John pushed his glasses back up, the dark shades hiding his eyes, shielding his true emotions.

Olivia both clung to that fact that she couldn't ever leave the SVU and despised the fact that she probably never would. After thirteen years in the unit she expected she'd be a bit more jaded, a little less empathetic and at least slightly less obsessed with justice. She continues to ask why but accepts there will never be an answer that is acceptable, just accepted.

"Rollins will be looking to you for the right way to handle this. There is no right way, but still you'll be expected to provide it." John's voice pulled Olivia's attention from the media as they had managed to make it into the hospital. They were most likely looking for her or any of those involved that would be willing to explain what it was like to witness the shooting death of two children...on camera. Olivia wasn't interested in ratings wars amongst the city's main broadcasting stations. She wasn't interested in talking on or off camera. She was interested in putting this day behind her and considering what was ahead of her she knew that wouldn't be anytime soon.

John Munch stood and addressed the reporter closest to them giving Olivia the smallest opportunity to duck out behind him. She recognized John's strategy and took full advantage leaving her long-time colleague to keep the wolves at bay.

Olivia stood against the back wall of the small room where Amanda Rollins had yet to awake from surgery. She stared at the young detective, eager to impress, eager to make a difference. She supposed they all were like that, at least in the beginning. She felt a sense of guilt, albeit misplaced. Rollins knows the dangers of the job; she accepted that when she first decided to join the force and she survived it up until making detective. Then she, like herself had chosen the SVU where things like this happen. They just do and all you can do is deal with it and then move on for tomorrow there will be another rapist, another broken woman, another dead child. They chose to fight this brand of monster and there are times where the cost is greater than the reward.

"Olivia?" Rollins' voice was weak, but she needed answers. That much was evident as she forced herself fully awake once noticing Olivia's presence.

"We got all but two out. He killed them, a boy and a girl." Olivia knew better than to sugarcoat. Rollins deserved better than that and there really was no real purpose for sparing the reality of what they faced daily. Olivia continued despite Rollins closing her off by closing her eyes. "Roy Rossello was a pedophile rapist Elliot and I put away years ago. He raped his daughter, abused his son and we stopped him. Same story, good behavior, overcrowding. He's out in twelve and wants his kids back."

"I tried, Olivia. They sent me in thinking I would do, but he asked for you."

"He wanted his kids, but I think he knew that wouldn't happen. He also knew that he would accept revenge and innocent children were involved. The little girl died in my arms." Olivia's voice broke just a bit before she took a few steps closer to Amanda. "I'm sure there will be mandatory psych evaluations back at the house once I leave here."

"I'm sorry." Amanda hated seeing Olivia suffer in any way and the fact that she fought against a show of emotion only caused Amanda to hurt more for her.

Olivia pulled up a chair and took a few minutes to gather her thoughts. Rollins didn't move for fear of breaking the older detective's concentration and she was sure what Olivia had to say would be more than worth hearing.

"Abraham O'fion. It was an alias, of course. Eugene Hoff was his name and he was the leader of a cult he created to save weak and vulnerable women and children. He fit Huang's profile perfectly, an incestuous pedophile. His children were having his children. We caught the case when a twelve year old girl named Melanie was brought to the hospital, pregnant. She gave me the location of where to find her 'husband' and when I arrived he refused to step out and talk to me. There were children present and it was obvious Abraham wasn't going to be cooperative. I called for backup and shortly thereafter shots rang out. We entered only to find every one of the children in the house had been shot and killed and Abraham was gone." Olivia had been speaking with her eyes barely open, but now opened them fully to see Amanda staring her down. "I have never forgotten one inch of that scene. Those children, a few babies, are always in my head, my memory. It's been nearly eight years now."

"Liv..." Amanda had no clue what to say but felt the need to say something. She stopped when Olivia got to her feet, pacing always seemed to help.

"We were all made to go through psych evaluations and Fin opted to step away and take a few days. Elliot was sent home, he was given the line that he required something ongoing. Maybe he did. I thought for sure I would be sent as well because I couldn't hold it together. Ironically, Munch and I were left to work the case." Olivia turned to face Amanda. "We worked it, found Abraham, found Melanie after Abraham took her from the hospital. Abraham was killed by Melanie, it's all in the case files and reports if you're interested in the details. What isn't in the reports is this part, Rollins. You get your head shrunk, you accept what you cannot change and eventually believe you did the best you could and once given the okay, you move on. If you're lucky you don't revisit the scene unless something or someone takes you back."

"Liv, I get it." Rollins continued to watch Olivia as she struggled to stay in control.

"Okay. I'm here you know. If you need or want me to be. If you want to vent or...vent." Olivia headed for the door only to turn back to look at Rollins. "You did good today, Detective."

The memories from eight years ago, Abraham, Melanie and those children were all so very fresh now as Olivia leaned up against the door to Rollins' room. Her mind showed her images of Raul Rossello only to interchange them with her memories of Eugene Hoff. She held her breath, praying she wouldn't see those kids but knowing it was inevitable. She knew she'd be expected to have her head shrunk; it was procedure, perhaps it was also necessary. She could almost hear Huang's voice as she fought to keep her mind in the present.

"_How are you feeling now?"_

"_I don't know."_

"_This was an extremely traumatic event, Liv. The grief that you're feeling is completely natural."_

"_I know that."_

"_But you feel like you shouldn't be feeling anything. Is that how you feel?"_

"_I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it." _

"_But you are...by acknowledging that it affects you. That's the way you handle something traumatic."_

"_Well, I guess the real problem is that I'm afraid that...that it's not working."_

Olivia blinked hard to avoid the tears that threatened. Her conversation with Huang, her evaluation, merely kept her on the case that day. Feeling grief was natural, Huang had said. It was actually disabling and Olivia could only wonder how much longer she would be able to push the grief down far enough to function. The way she saw it, Rollins was lucky for she had a physical issue to contend with. A gunshot wound would always take precedence over emotional trauma, at least at first.

"Ma'am? Are you okay?" Olivia forced a smile to the well meaning nurse who noticed her as she dropped to one knee. The air was easier to breathe when she didn't try to stand tall, didn't put on the brave face, didn't try to prove to everyone and anyone that she was strong enough to handle the worst life had to offer.

"I'm fine." Traditional Olivia Benson.

"_It's interesting that you're in here with me alone. Do you like putting yourself in dangerous situations?"_

"_You consider yourself dangerous?"_

"_No, but you don't know that. I wonder what attracts you to such a dangerous job. What makes you do it?"_

"_Rapists and pedophiles like you."_

"_So, it's not just about arresting criminals. It's about those specific criminals. You're drawn to this. Why? Were you raped?"_

"_Tell me where Melanie is."_

"_How can you stand it? How can you invite this depravity into your mind, your body, your soul? It will kill you. Every horror, every torment afflicts your body like a cancer. It's devouring you and you can't see it. Open your eyes."_

"_You know, I thought that you were just another con artist, seeking out people who were starved for anything that would give them meaning in their life. They're easy marks. You talk about God, the apocalypse, so they'll give you all of their money, but your much more pathetic than that. You actually believe your own hype. You've conned yourself."_

Olivia got to her feet, took a deep breath and decided she would call it a day. Cragen told her to do as much for tomorrow would come soon enough. She would sit down with psych services and discuss Roy Rossello. She would talk about those children and how their deaths affected her. She would show the proper amount of emotion so that she wouldn't be grounded and she would stand up straight as she was handed yet another case. There would always be another case, another rapist, pedophile or sociopath to fill her head with the images she would fight for years to come. Abraham O'fion asked why she did it. Why was she drawn to this? Maybe tomorrow she'd have that answer or maybe she'd give the expected response for her position. Either way, she would have to accept what was and that was that she failed to save those two kids. She did all she could do and that would have to be good enough. She knew eventually, accepting that her best just wasn't good enough wasn't going to be enough for her.

John Munch continued to speak to the press. He wasn't saying anything they wanted to hear, and that was his plan all along. He smirked at Olivia as she slid out the door unnoticed by the reporters that wanted something to air that evening. John would run interference for her for he understood what she was dealing with better than maybe even she gave him credit for. It was okay, he was happy to play spokesperson until they realized how he had managed to talk for nearly thirty minutes without saying a word about what happened in that school cafeteria. Tomorrow he'd talk with Olivia and make sure she was good. Tomorrow would come soon enough and they'd be expected to put these children away and move on to the next. John had no doubt that Olivia would do just that. Tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

A Strong Fragility Chapter 3

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to sleep, so the call that came in just after two in the morning was almost welcomed. Almost welcomed for after midnight calls were rarely if ever a good thing. And tonight would be no exception as she hurried from her apartment into the night air. She could feel her heart beating and wondered if she could actually hear it if she concentrated enough. Anything to take her mind off of where she was going and what she was going to have to handle.

The darkness of the bar matched her mood as she made her way inside. Olivia scanned the room and quickly found him sitting up at the bar, his head resting on his outstretched arm. She picked up his glass, taking a sip of what looked to be water. She glanced at the bartender then after realizing it was indeed water.

"That's his third one of those, can't tell the difference." Olivia offered a pained smile at the man that waved off the tab that Olivia tried to pay. "NYPD...we'll call it on the house. Just get him out of here."

Olivia wondered how bad Don was to still not realize she was there. "Captain." She spoke directly to him hoping to get him to at least sit up. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"I asked him to call you. Hey, um, hey! This is Detective Benson. Olivia this is...Christ, I don't know his name. Used to be they would tell you their name, not anymore I guess." Don worked to sit up straight, grabbing at Olivia's arm for support. "It's been a while, not sure how these things work anymore."

Olivia's heart dropped at the sight of her strong captain struggling to control himself. He gave up his sobriety and of course she was the one he called to help him. Who else would he have called. Olivia found herself staring at her boss wondering if there was anybody else he could have called. Amaro, Munch? He chose to call her and of course she showed up. "Let's get you home. Got work in the morning." Olivia let the older man use her for balance as he got to his feet. He seemed to walk just fine until he stumbled which was at every other step.

"I just wanted a little something, you know. I've had enough and wanted just a little something." Cragen sounded strong, sure as his captain tone made Olivia study him closer. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course, Captain." Olivia guided Don to her car and strapped him in, not giving him a chance with the seat belt.

"I'm not a child, Olivia." Cragen stared out the window while Olivia got in and fastened her own seat belt.

"I think the best thing for you is to get to bed. It's late and you're tired, I'm sure." Olivia pulled out into traffic, trying not to respond to the way Don stared at her.

"I should've went to a meeting tonight. You know you can go to them no matter how long you've been sober." Don spoke slowly, his tone steady and Olivia was grateful that he was still her captain. "I'm a drunk, Olivia but I'm a sober drunk."

Olivia looked over at Don then, just as he turned away. She knew he would hate himself in the morning if he didn't already. She pulled up in front of his house and hurried around to the other side. "Give me your keys."

Don smiled at his best detective. She was such a take charge kind of person, but she was still under his command. She was still his charge and here she was demanding he follow her orders. He handed over his keys.

Once inside, Olivia helped him into his room where he immediately collapsed onto his bed. She looked around feeling strange for being in the captain's bedroom. Olivia wondered if nothing would be mentioned of tonight and she would be okay with that. She backed up to a clear area and leaned up against the wall while Don lied flat on his bed.

"I blew it, Liv. All these years, all those cases, and tonight I decide to blow it." Don didn't open his eyes, didn't move his body.

"So you start again tomorrow. Today is gone, tomorrow you make it right again." Olivia knew it would only be a matter of a few minutes and Don would be out. She hoped it would be fast, for his sake as well as her own.

"I'm so tired of this...too many years. Too many years, too many women, too many children. I think I overstayed my welcome in the SVU." Don opened his eyes then to see Olivia staring at him. "You miss Elliot. You needed him today."

Olivia didn't answer, just walked over and began to untie and then remove Don's shoes. She forced the memory of doing similar for her own mother on similar nights as this.

"Well, I miss Elliot. He was a hot-head but a damn good detective. He was good for you, Liv. You two worked, you know." Don's words were beginning to slide as he spoke but Olivia was hearing him. "He gave you a hard time during that first year you two were together. Hell, so did I."

"You were a good captain, Sir. Still are a good captain." Olivia could feel her chest tighten as Don rambled, his private thoughts bouncing off the walls and slamming into her.

"I was tough on you, especially. SVU is not easy and you were either going to make it or you weren't." Don's words were beginning to trail off and Olivia allowed herself to feel at least a little relief with the fact that he would soon be passed out.

"We're still here, Cap. We're still doing it." Olivia draped a blanket over her boss and stepped back to await his response if there would be one.

"No more, Liv. I can't do this any more. The kids that got out, the two that didn't. My detectives lives being on the line time and time again. I really have had enough."

"What will you do? You're not ready to retire." Olivia kept her voice quiet in hopes Don wouldn't answer. She was grateful when he didn't and his heavy breathing worried her. She wondered how much he actually did have to drink, realizing it really didn't matter. She wandered around his bedroom, taking a moment to really look at the pictures he had about. He and his wife were so young when first together; the SVU definitely aged him quickly.

"Benson!" Don's tone was all Cragen and it made Olivia jump. "Get out of here. You've got to be in early to get your psych evaluation out of the way."

"Okay, I'm leaving. I'll see you in the morning." Olivia didn't move as she watched Don accept her answer and allow himself to succumb to sleep. She slowly slid down against the wall until she was sitting on the floor. She stared at the sleeping form of her boss, wondering if she should leave at all. She did what he asked, she got him home. The rest would have to be up to him to sort through and she knew she could not do that for him.

She sat still, listening to the uneven breathing, feeling the uncertain feelings and fighting the haunting memories of doing just this for her mother. What if he got sick? What if he got up and tried to leave? What if he needed her and she wasn't there. Olivia shook her head at her thoughts. Cragen was her boss, not her mother. Or her father.

She did miss Elliot. She was sure it was a known fact despite the fact that she continued doing what she did, continued on without him. Olivia heard Don's words echoing in her head. He was done he said. She wondered how many times he had said that throughout his career. She knew she herself had thought that often, especially this last year without Elliot. She felt unbalanced without him, vulnerable, weak. If he was tough on her, she accepted it. He accepted her and she could only wonder when that changed.

"_Well that's the dumbest move I've ever seen you make."_

"_She wasn't gonna be of any help."_

"_No, not now."_

"_Not ever. She knew what he was."_

"_If she drops the dime on you, you're out walking the beat. You just verbally harassed the wife of a murder victim."_

"_She lied to a police officer. If anything, she's guilty of obstruction."_

"_You're on very thin ice right now."_

"_How's that?"_

"_Cragen's already worried about your objectivity on this."_

"_Fine, let him take me off the case."_

"_You don't want to do that."_

"_What is that supposed to mean?"_

"_It means, you take yourself off this case, you're taking yourself out of the unit. You don't get to pick the vic. His words, not mine."_

"_I'm a good cop, Elliot."_

"_Yeah, I know."_

She remembered how Elliot was with her on that case. He pushed her silently but warned her verbally. That first year in the unit was tough and many times the lines blurred for her. She envied how Elliot seemed to be able to stay objective about every case but soon learned that he fought the same demons as she. They just presented differently and it took her awhile to separate herself from the reality of her chosen profession.

Olivia got to her feet, glancing at Cragen as he slept. She was certain he would be hurting in the morning, she was certain she hurt for him now. She let herself out, locking the door behind her.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Benson! My office, now!" Cragen not only made it in, he was full of energy as he stormed back into his office after watching his lead detective arrive late.

Olivia stood in front of her captain as he stood behind his desk. She didn't offer an excuse for her tardiness, the way she saw it Cragen would've dismissed it anyway. She was late because of him, so his irritation with her was unfair. Unfair was such a dirty word in their world. Nothing was ever fair.

"You're late. You will not manage to get out of your evaluation. Get your head shrunk so you'll be ready for the next pedophile, rapist or murderer." Cragen's tone was angry and Olivia stood still absorbing his anger. He needed her to, she got that.

"Yes, sir." Olivia was dreading her sit-down to discuss what happened yesterday at the school. She knew how to play the game, how much emotion to show, how much was too much and the proper way to stall when necessary. Two children died in front of her, she knew no amount of stalling would erase that image that was already working it's way into her permanent psyche. Olivia began to leave when Cragen's softer tone stopped her.

"I'm leaving, Liv." Cragen waited until Olivia turned to look at him. She hesitated as he expected she would. "I've decided I've had enough and it's time."

"Captain, so you fell last night. You get back up and keep going. We all do, it's what we do." Olivia couldn't help the panic that was suddenly controlling her thoughts, her breathing.

"It's more than that, Liv. I cannot watch another child die needlessly at the hands of some deranged psychopath or...their parents." Cragen searched Olivia's eyes knowing she would battle this particular case in her own way, maybe she would come out on top, maybe not.

"What about the kids that got out? What about the justice that we get for these kids, the future we give them back. What about the women that win against their attackers, that are stronger for the fight." Olivia's voice cracked when she spoke and she paused to compose herself. "What about Munch, Amaro, Rollins, Fin. What about me?"

Don came around to the front of the desk so that he was standing face to face with Olivia. "I want you to go for Captain. There really is nobody better than you for this position. Nobody understands what we do here like you do."

"Cap, no. I am not ready for this. I just made sergeant not even a year ago and...what about Munch?" Olivia turned away from her boss, hating the feeling that was consuming her. Elliot and now Cragen. At least Cragen was willing to talk to her about it.

Olivia felt Don's grip on her arm as he gently asked her to face him. "Munch is finished as well. He knows it, it's just a matter of finding something to do with his days. I am going to put your name in as my recommendation. I expect you to consider this opportunity. It's time to get off the streets, Liv."

"Cap, I may be done as well. I have had enough as well. Elliot knew it was time, now you." Olivia could feel the tears well up and she forced herself to stay strong in the face of her captain. "Maybe it's time for me to move on as well."

"Only you know how you feel. I know what I see and I see somebody that is more than capable of making a difference from in here. It's a bit safer." Cragen's voice had a fatherly tone and Olivia suddenly felt weak against it.

"Safer? All these years later and you're worried about my safety now?" Olivia chose anger, it was always easier to explain.

"I've always been concerned for your safety. The safety of my people has always been a major concern for me and you'll realize that when you're in my position." Don walked away from Olivia then. "Go, do not be late for your appointment."

Olivia stared at Captain Don Cragen for a few moments before leaving. He allowed her to, knowing she needed just a little longer to process what she had just been told. She swung open the door and exited quickly.

Don watched until she left the squad room. He knew this was huge to drop on her, especially right now, but there would never be a good time.

"_You just used your get out of jail free card on this case, Olivia. There's only one in the pack."_

Don knew he was tough on Olivia when she first started with the SVU. He also knew he had given her more than one card throughout their time together. She liked to push the limits, test the boundaries. Whatever it took to take care of the victim, to stop the pain. He knew this would be tough on her now, but he believed she wasn't done yet. Not like he was. He wanted her off the streets and behind the desk. She had so much to offer to the younger detectives, if only she realized what an impact she had on them already.

"Should I go talk to her?" Munch poked his head in forcing Don to abandon his thoughts.

"No. Give her some time."


	4. Chapter 4

A Strong Fragility Chapter 4

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"Can I come in?" Munch wouldn't enter the cribs without her permission, the grunt he heard was access enough. He didn't seem surprised or even interested in the way she paced, the way she walked tiny circles in the small room. "Want to talk, vent, scream? All of the above?"

"No." Olivia was angry. It was a contained anger which suggested she was using her fury as a disguise. "Just like that? How can he just decide now is the time to leave, just like that?"

John smiled at the way women worked. He knew Olivia may not have wanted to vent, but surely she needed to. She knew it and now so did he. He lowered himself down onto one of the bunks so that she would be free to let him have it.

"We lost a couple of kids. Okay, that's tough. I get it, it is but Cragen is tougher than that. He has been through so much, seen so much and dealt with so much. Why now?" Olivia looked to John as if he had the answer.

"Maybe because he's been through so much, seen so much and dealt with so much."

Olivia stopped pacing, stopped moving and nearly stopped breathing. Cragen did say she'd know when it was time and by saying that he meant he knew it was time for him. She sat down on a bunk directly across from John. "You knew."

"I did." John's short answer told Olivia he supported their captain's decision.

"Did you know Elliot wouldn't come back as well?"

"No."

Olivia ran her hands through her hair, refusing to look her long-time colleague in the eyes. When she did finally look back up at him, she fought against the urge to ask him what she suddenly so desperately needed to know. She lost her fight as the words seemed to escape without her permission. "When are you leaving?"

"Soon."

Olivia nodded and got to her feet. Of course John too would leave. Cragen knew it and John hadn't hidden it and Olivia hadn't given much thought to how his leaving would affect her. "I've got to go get my head shrunk now so I can get back to work. Amaro on his own is a bit scary."

John lowered his glasses so that Olivia could see his eyes. "Feel, deal and heal and you've got an hour to do it."

Feel, deal and heal. There was no crying in the SVU. No time and if there was a need to grieve, mourn or question it had to be done on your own time in your own way. Olivia knew the rules. She had learned them same as the new eager and ready detectives would. She had to make an appearance, show the anger, show the sorrow and vow to make a difference. She would have to deliver a convincing performance that said she felt as though she were still able to make a difference. There really was no room for angry outbursts, necessary tears or hypothetical questions in these sessions. She knew to answer what was asked, no more no less. And to keep a consistent tone in her voice that said although she was angry and saddened by the loss of those children, her emotions were not overwhelming therefore disabling.

**xxxxx**

"Olivia, come in." George Huang opened the door and waited patiently as his former colleague stared him down.

"Wow, they send in the best for me? I must be in worse shape than I thought." Olivia smiled at George, but he couldn't smile back. He could sense her anxiousness and her loss. Her wounded colleague, the two children, her partner and now her captain.

"Cragen asked me to be here for you, is that a problem, Sergeant?" Huang took a seat, offering but not demanding Olivia do the same. "Congratulations on your promotion."

Olivia smiled again at the use of her new formal title. "A couple extra dollars and a bit more paperwork. A rite of passage, maybe?"

"I understand it has been a rough year. I also understand it is about to get even tougher." George's tone sometimes annoyed Olivia, not so much today. She looked up at him with his words and he felt pressed to continue. "If life were easy it would be over; at least that's how some look at it."

"Is that how you see it?" Olivia's words were mumbled and she wasn't sure if she were relieved or just annoyed that Cragen called in Huang for her evaluation.

"Doesn't matter how I see it, not today, not for your evaluation."

Olivia shook her head and got to her feet. "I knew you would say that. No, I don't believe life should always be hard. But I know better than to believe it is without its challenges as well."

George was quiet, Olivia recognized the tactic.

"You want to know how I feel about losing those kids yesterday? You want to know if I am angry about it, or overwhelmingly depressed or just without care or concern at all. Isn't that what you will be reporting?" Olivia was angry but she was unsure as to exactly who she was upset with.

"If that's what you want to talk about." George's tone never changed and that was beginning to piss Olivia off.

"I'd like to talk about whatever we need to so that I can get back to work. I have a partner that needs me, another detective in the hospital that needs me, a captain that just dropped a bomb on me and most likely needs an answer from me and countless women, children...and victims that will need me. I need to talk about whatever will get me a go so that I can get back to work."

"Olivia, have you given much thought to what you will do when this is all over? When it is time to leave the SVU and continue on either with your career or you life separate from the career?" George allowed the anger and the exhaustion to fly safely between them, this was what he was called in for and he believed they both knew it.

"I have. I wonder if it isn't time now." Olivia returned to a sitting position and her calm posture suggested she had worked her way through at least some of the emotion she had contained. "Cragen is leaving shortly, he told me this morning."

Huang simply nodded his head, knowing Olivia knew he would ask how she felt about that.

"He wants me to consider taking his position. He was going to go to the powers that be and make a bid for me." Olivia ran her hands through her hair as she took in a few deep breaths. "I'm not ready for that."

"Why not?"

Olivia's eyes shot up as she caught George's question. "I just made Sargent. Captain?"

"You've been a Sargent for the better part of this year and it would be an unusual promotion, but you're more than capable of stepping in and running a squad, this squad. You've had an excellent teacher." Huang smiled then and Olivia couldn't help but match it.

"Cragen fell off the wagon last night."

"I'm sure he'll take in a meeting tonight, maybe two. This is not his session though, it's yours. Talk to me, Liv." Huang sat up in his chair and the subtle shift only seemed to get Olivia's attention that much more. "Talk to me about Elliot and how this case is forcing you to ignore the parallels that are staring you in the face. Abraham O'fion. Victor Gitano. They never go away, Liv. You may put them away and move on, but they never go away."

"I can't live in the past, can't change it." Olivia cursed herself for allowing her voice to waver.

"Can't ignore it when you can't forget it. So you use it to better understand, to better cope and to better heal. Talk to me, Liv."

"_You got something you want to say to me? 'Cause if you do, let's hear it."_

"_Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"_

"_He was using the child as a shield."_

"_How could you let him get so close to you?"_

"_There were innocent civilians around, I couldn't get a shot."_

"_Well, he got close and Ryan's dead."_

"_So, this is my fault?"_

"_Nah, I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!"_

"_You son of a bitch, you know that's not true!"_

"_I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!"_

"Victor Gitano, you remember that case." Olivia knew Huang did, they all did. "We lost the boy."

"You saved the little girl."

"But we lost the little boy!" Olivia was angry and wanted it to show now. "You want me to talk about Elliot? He chose me and we lost the boy."

"Is that how it was, Olivia?"

"That's how he saw it."

"Was it?" Huang lost to nobody when it came to this game and the look on Olivia's face showed that she couldn't believe she had challenged him.

"_I heard about yesterday at the bus terminal. It's terrible. I'm really sorry. You know in situations like this..."_

"_Please don't tell me there's nothing I could've done. Thanks."_

"_I was going to say that in situations like this, there's no good choice. Every choice becomes a sacrifice."_

"_Not true."_

_You had to choose between saving the little boy or saving Olivia."_

"_But she didn't need me."_

"_You didn't know that."_

"_I wish I didn't..."_

"_Didn't what? Didn't care so much? Elliot, that's what makes you a good partner."_

"_She made me turn away."_

"_How? How did she make you do anything?"_

"_She didn't. It was my choice and no one else is responsible for it but me."_

Olivia stared George down. She remembered the case, the tension, the conversation. She remembered how it felt to lose those kids and then to ultimately lose Elliot. She felt she had lost him, but she couldn't have known until last year how that would affect her. "Elliot has nothing to do with this case. Raul Rossello was a live wire. There was no winning that one."

"So, he wasn't on your mind at all during the standoff? You didn't see Ryan and Rebecca when you held those children? You didn't see Gitano when you talked to Rossello?" Huang hurled the question at Olivia and they both knew she would not answer any one of them.

"_If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would've taken that shot, Olivia."_

"_No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"_

"_I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."_

"_What about me?"_

"_Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again...otherwise...we can't be partners."_

"_Can't believe you're saying that."_

"_You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. I couldn't take it."_

"Elliot has chosen to leave. It was his time." Olivia looked away, knowing Huang wouldn't miss the way she still reacted to losing her partner. Her words said she accepted that he left for his own reasons, but her voice gave away how she still felt abandoned.

"That brings us back to my question. Will you know when it is your time? What will you do when it is?" Huang had heard enough and his easy tone hadn't changed at all throughout the conversation with Olivia. "Tell me, Olivia. Why did you come off of vacation? You weren't required to."

"Rossello wanted Detectives Benson and Stabler. He wanted his kids back and he wanted us to make that happen. How could I have said no?" Olivia's voice was low and controlled.

"Someday you will." Huang matched her tone.

"Cragen said when we stop feeling, then we'll know it's time to go. Do you think he's stopped feeling?" Olivia could feel the tears starting but refused to allow their escape. "Do you think that's why he has decided to leave?"

"He was on scene, was he not?"

Olivia nodded.

"What do you think, Olivia? Did Captain Cragen stop caring about his calling?" Huang gave Olivia a few thoughts to ponder as he got to his feet.

"Are we done here, because I really want to get back. I need to type up my DD5's, put this away so I can then move on to the next case." Olivia didn't wait for an answer, instead headed for the door.

"Olivia, for what it's worth, I don't think Captain Cragen will ever stop caring. About his job, about getting justice for those victims and about his people. He will never stop caring about his people."

Olivia nodded, then took a few seconds before heading out. She knew only she could answer whether or not she was done with SVU. As she left Huang behind, she could only say for sure that she just wasn't sure.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxx**

The familiar sounds of the busy squad room seemed so much louder as Olivia exited the elevator. She met Nick's eyes just as they looked away. She looked for John, finding him behind closed doors with Cragen. "What's going on?"

"Not sure. Cragen got a call about an injured woman found out in Queens." Nick stood, glancing into Cragen's office, but trying to keep his attention on Olivia as well.

"Nick, Queens? That's not us." Olivia looked into Cragen's office as well, before looking back at Nick with a dreaded glare. "Who is it?"

Nick shrugged, wishing he had more for Olivia. "The woman asked for you specifically."

Olivia looked back into Cragen's office where she met his eyes. It was then that he came out and stood before her. "Captain?"

"This is not our case and we are not investigating it, is that clear?" Cragen waited for a response from Olivia before continuing. She nodded and he then looked at Munch and Nick before taking a step closer to Olivia. "Olivia, it's Maria Recinos."

Olivia flinched at the mention of the little girl's name. She then took a few steps back and carefully lowered herself into her desk chair. She refused to look up at anybody, instead dropped her head into her hands. She tried to quickly do the math. Seven, eight years ago.

"Liv, she's been taken to Mercy. She asked for you." Cragen kept his eyes on his detective as she fought through her initial emotions.

"Was she raped?" Olivia looked up hoping to judge Cragen's immediate response to her question.

"I have no details at this point. Go, Liv. Take Amaro with you." Cragen turned and walked back into his office where he closed the door before sitting down behind his desk.

"John?" Olivia got to her feet, wanting to follow Cragen but knowing he had nothing more for her.

"I don't know, Liv. Patrol found her, said she was injured pretty bad. Beaten." Munch motioned with his head for Nick to get Olivia moving. "She asked for you, she needs you."

Olivia held John's eyes with her own. He didn't have to say anything more to let her know he knew what this girl meant to her.


	5. Chapter 5

A Strong Fragility Chapter 5

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

The ground was unforgiving as she felt the back of her head meet it angrily. Her body quickly slammed into the cold, wet concrete as well as she wondered if it was truly her voice she was hearing. Her voice was surprisingly an octave lower as she pleaded, begged even for him to stop. It didn't require as much air to pass through her lungs if she kept her voice low and controlled. The lower tone did little to alert him to her protests, instead giving the impression that she was accepting of the brutal blows that rained down on her broken form.

She would close her eyes tightly against the blows, breathing soon after each was delivered. She knew a controlled panic would be the only way to survive his anger, his unexplained rage. She would open her eyes enough to time the pain, she recognized the rhythm of his fury. She could hear him breathing, she could hear herself gasping when she could no longer hold her breath. He hadn't delivered the punch she anticipated, instead choosing to stare at her until she acknowledged him. She begged herself not to look. She pleaded with herself not to look him in the eyes, it was what he wanted, needed to continue.

The blood was warm on her skin, a direct contrast to the freezing rain as it rained down stinging with every drop. She braced against his raised hand only to be cautiously thankful for the reprieve he had chosen to give her. He used his fingers to wipe the blood away from the cut under her eye. He used his other hand to push the hair back away from her face. He didn't need to subdue her, her physical pain was enough of a disabler to allow him the freedom to feel her fear for himself.

She was beautiful and for a few seconds he watched her. Watched her as she avoided meeting his eyes with her own. Watched her as she wished she were anywhere but under his strong hold. Her face would bruise, although her coloring would mask the severity at least a little. She had dark hair that was almost black when wet. She was soaked and she was cold. Her violent shaking against the harsh temperatures indicated that she would soon be numb to his touch. He didn't have much time and that alone made him that much angrier.

He cupped her face in an almost loving gesture causing her to open her eyes quickly. He took in the questioning look in her eyes as she finally gave him what he wanted. He wanted her to see him, to know him and what he was to her. He smiled as her eyes opened wide when he produced the knife from his pocket. He had been attracted to her smile, her accent, her eyes. He figured he hadn't been the only one attracted to such perfection and for that he knew he was doing the right thing. She would only cause too many too much pain and he wasn't going to allow that. He quickly moved his knee up so that it was placed firmly between hers, reminding her that any movement would come with immediate consequence. He sat back on his heels, enjoying how her fear rendered her powerless to fight him. He carefully and deliberately stroked the blade of his knife with fingers on both hands, showing her how easily he controlled her. She tempted fate by pulling her hands up to her face, as if maybe he would allow her to protect herself in the smallest way.

She felt the pressure between her legs as he demonstrated how he decided if and how she would be allowed to move. He grabbed her hands with his own, pulling them away so that she was exposed to him once again. He was able to force her arms over her head where he pinned them there with one of his own. He let his eyes rake over her body taking in her uneven breathing as she thought she knew what was coming. He hated being predictable; he hated when she thought she knew what his next move was. She never knew, he was sure of it. He watched the sporadic rise an fall of her chest as her breathing had no rhythm to it at all now. She couldn't control anything now and he laughed out loud as she was beginning to give in to the panic that ruled her now. He was immediately aroused as he watched her body react when he placed the point of the knife between her breasts. He kept it still against her skin while tightening his grip on her wrists. The blood from the cut under her eye continued to roll down her cheek and he found himself almost consumed with watching it run into the corner of her mouth.

Blood was beautiful to him; it signified life and just how precious that was. Here today, gone tomorrow. He loved cliche's. His eyes stared at her mouth until she once again opened her eyes. He wanted her to see him when he stopped her breathing. He forced the knife up to her neck almost as an afterthought while he stared into her eyes.

His strong forearm pressed against her chest allowed him to feel her breathing slow. She was doing that, he knew it. She was trying to control her fear, her pain, her panic. Wouldn't matter in a few seconds. He would make everything all right for her. She would thank him and he would decline her gratitude. He was just doing what needed to be done. He closed his eyes when he heard the cry that escaped her lips as the blade made it's way into her delicate skin. She didn't cry long, she didn't cry out loud. He didn't figure she would.

She had returned home, to his home, with her husband. She wouldn't be leaving just then, he had made sure she wouldn't be doing much of anything for a while at least. She apologized over and over while he climbed into bed beside her . She was afraid to sleep, afraid she wouldn't wake up. Afraid she would. He could've killed her, how she wished he had.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxx**

"You wonder what happens to these kids sometimes, you know?" Olivia could feel the seat belt as it seemed to tighten against her chest each time she took a breath. "Most of the time you tell yourself they'll be fine. That we've given them a chance at being fine and they are."

"Most of the time?" Nick wondered if the siren was necessary. He glanced over at Olivia before silencing it.

"Some of them you know will not be, but you tell yourself they will be and you move on. It's what we do, Nick."

"Maria was one of those, Liv? Did you give her a second thought?" Nick kept his eyes trained on the road, but he could feel the heat from Olivia's glare.

"Maria was one that was going to be make it. She suffered too much and she was so close to...to not making it that there was no way that she wouldn't be okay." Olivia turned her attention to the everyday commotion on the streets as they passed. "I often wondered about her."

"_Maria, were you born in New York?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Okay, Maria, my friend Julia is here and she can tell exactly where people are from, just by listening to them talk."_

"_No, I can't talk anymore. I'll get in trouble."_

"_Why will you get in trouble?"_

"_Richard will be angry. He'll do things. A mi me da mincho. I have to go. Go. Bye."_

"_No. No, Maria. Please, don't go. It's okay, honey. Please don't go."_

"_Me da mincho means I'm scared. It's Honduran slang." Julia confirmed._

"_Okay. Honey, you're not going to get into any trouble. Are you from Honduras?"_

"_Will you get here before he does?"_

"_I will."_

"_Yes."_

Olivia could hear Maria's voice in her head as if it were just yesterday that she spent that time on the phone with her trying desperately to locate her. The little girl's accent etched into her memory and suddenly Olivia was needing to hear her again. "She asked for me specifically?"

"That's what Munch told me. He seemed to know exactly who she was." Nick turned into the hospital parking lot where Olivia made no effort to get out of the car once he parked. "We're not on this, Liv. Just be there for her now."

Olivia turned to face her partner. "Munch, Fin, Cragen and most of the NYPD were involved in finding this girl. Yeah, Munch knows exactly who she is. I talked to her for over two hours on the phone. Each time she had to hang up to call back, I was scared to death we'd lose her."

"You didn't, right? I mean you said she was one that would be fine." Nick knew how emotionally involved his partner could get with the victims, especially the children. He also knew she hadn't had a chance to even catch her breath from losing the two at the school just one day prior.

"_What does he do, Maria?"_

"_I don't want to talk about it."_

"_Does he do bad things to you?"_

"_He hurts me a lot and then his friends hurt me so that he can take pictures."_

Olivia got out of the car and waited for her partner to meet her. "I felt she endured more than her share and there was no way this little girl could ever be hurt anymore. She'd be okay. I forced myself to believe it and I moved on. You have to do that, Amaro. You have to, otherwise a part of you dies with each one of these kids, even the ones that you feel will be okay. You'll become hollow and you can actually feel it happening, little by little. You feel it until you don't, that's when you know you're empty. That's when you know you're done."

Nick stood in front of Olivia, giving her yet a few more minutes before they made their way into the hospital. She needed a few more minutes, he could tell. He wanted to help her, but had no idea as to what she needed. He wondered if she knew what she needed at this point.

"_Olivia, my eyes are sleepy. Can we stop now?"_

"_No, sweetie, I know that you're tired, honey, but you have to keep talking to me. We're getting so close, okay?"_

"_You keep saying that, but you're not. He'll be back soon. I'll hear him on the stairs."_

"_The stairs?"_

"_When he comes to see me. Sometimes just his footsteps, sometimes more. Those days, I want to die."_

Olivia looked up at Nick as if she just remembered where she was. "Why Queens? She went back to Honduras, to her mother."

Nick only shrugged. "We're not investigating. Let's just go talk to her."

Olivia looked Nick in the eyes, almost as if simply by staring she could explain the whole case to him. He cared, she knew he did. He was good police and today was no different. He just didn't know who Maria Recinos was, yet he stood by patiently while Olivia prepared herself. She knew Maria had been hurt, again. She didn't know how bad and she didn't know by who. She was not investigating, that had been made clear to her. Maybe by the time she made it to see Maria, her head would manage to get that information to her heart.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Olivia looked at the officers who were casually standing against the nurse's station, talking amongst themselves. She waited for them to realize her shield and when they did she felt a pinch of anger at the way they then seemed concerned. "Detective Benson, Manhattan SVU."

"Yes, Ma'am. The victim asked for you specifically. That was all we were able to get out of her. All that we understood anyway." the young officer seemed nervous around Olivia and she then realized it probably had something to do with the way she was glaring at him.

"Is there anybody with her? Why are you two still here? Shouldn't you be on scene?" Olivia felt Nick gently pull her arm. She kept her eyes locked on the silent officers as if somehow they were responsible.

Nick pulled her aside and waited until she calmed herself. "They didn't do it. There is a detective in with her now, but according to her partner, Maria isn't talking."

"I walk in there now and she gives me details on what happened then I have paperwork." Olivia watched as Nick followed her train of thought. "I am then on the case."

"Olivia, this isn't ours and you heard Cragen."

"A victim doesn't choose their jurisdiction." Olivia was angry, so angry at the politics involved. She was angry at Richard Dwyer for hurting Maria as a child and she was angry at the person responsible for hurting her now. "She asked for me and I will get the answers they need to pursue whoever hurt her, but there is no way I will stand down on this. No way."

"I'll be right here." Nick loved and hated the passion that drove but sometimes threatened his partner. He suddenly found himself wondering how Stabler would've handled her right now. Would he enforce the order given by their captain or would he bend, knowing there was no way Benson would keep her hands out of this one. He watched until Olivia disappeared into the room she was directed to before approaching the officers who also watched her. He pulled out his notepad. "I need to know what happened. I need to know every detail. Understand? Every detail."

Olivia's eyes fell onto the young woman, the darkness of the room disguising her injuries at least some. She was beautiful despite her injuries and Olivia wasn't sure if she was relieved or not that Maria kept her eyes closed. She flashed her badge to the detective who seemed content to wait for Maria to wake.

"Detective Benson. I've been waiting for you." Olivia accepted the hand of the blond woman who got to her feet, instantly guiding Olivia to the back of the room. "I'm Detective Williams, Queens SVU. I understand she was a case of yours years ago."

"Maria Recinos. She was nine." Olivia glanced at her colleague but her attention stayed on Maria.

"Her I D says Maria Reyes, from Massena, upstate."

"Was she raped?" Olivia kept her eyes on Maria, fighting the sound of the little girl's voice from her head.

"Think so, but she refused exam." Williams watched Benson as she watched Maria. "We think she knows her attacker. She's protecting him."

"Protecting him or herself?" Benson raised her eyebrow at Williams suddenly not liking this woman. She knew her opinion of her fellow detective was unfair, but sometimes that was the way it went. "She remembered me. She remembered me to ask for me. She was from Honduras, what is she doing in upstate New York?"

Williams shook her head, the frustration showing easily. "She's got injuries that suggest she's been abused for quite a while. Husband, boyfriend maybe."

"I'm assuming you're already on locating the husband." Benson was done with Williams as she made her way over to Maria's bedside. She leaned down, using her arms to steady her position over Maria. She could then see the damage done to Maria's face and she felt her heart begin to pound.

Maria shifted slightly, her expression that of severe pain despite never opening her eyes.

"Maria. It's Olivia." Olivia waited to see if Maria heard her or was still too out of it. "I'm here, Maria."

Maria slowly opened her eyes and instantly stared into Olivia's. It took a few seconds before Maria recognized the kind eyes staring back at her. "Olivia."

"Yes, Maria. I'm here." Olivia forced her voice to stay strong, although she wondered when her knees would give out on her.

"Olivia, I hurt. Hurt so bad." Maria struggled to keep her eyes open, but was failing.

"Okay, baby. Rest, I'll be here." Olivia grasped Maria's hand and smiled when she felt the way Maria reacted.

"You will stay here?" Maria's voice held a panic that Olivia instantly recognized.

"I will stay here. Rest Maria, I will be here." Olivia stayed closed until she was certain Maria had let go. She then stood to her full height where she looked back at Williams. The look was understood that despite Williams being lead on the case, Olivia would be calling the shots. She followed the Manhattan detective out into the hall.

"Well, I suppose that's the first step." Williams eyed Nick as he approached both women.

"Detective Nick Amaro, my partner." Olivia didn't seem interested in the fact that the Nick barely nodded at Detective Williams. "I want somebody on this door at all times. All visitors cleared through one of us before entering. Hospital staff showing proper I D."

"I'm aware of the procedures, Detective." Williams seemed a bit irritated by the intense nature of Detective Benson.

"I'm sure you are." Olivia began to walk away.

"Where are you going, Detective?" Williams was already frustrated and now Benson had just escalated her condition. "What if she awakes and you're not here?"

"She won't. Not for awhile." Olivia hurried to the elevator where she didn't wait for her partner.

Nick handed Williams his card. "She's probably going downstairs for some air. Girl means a lot to her. One of those that she never put away."

Detective Williams nodded as she watched Nick Amaro follow after his partner. He didn't hurry, and it was obvious that he knew his partner well and he knew she needed this time to herself. He entered the returning elevator, only to make eye contact with Williams just before she ordered both uniforms on the door of Maria Recinos Reyes' room.


	6. Chapter 6

A Strong Fragility Chapter 6

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"My partner is more than capable of handling this case. It doesn't appear to be more than a domestic." Detective Christopher Manuel watched Nick despite keeping his attention on the road. "I'm sure we'll find the husband, it was a misunderstanding and they'll be back in bed before tomorrow."

Nick Amaro looked up at the slightly older detective. He was careful to choose his words so that he said what needed to be said without compromising Manuel's decision to let him tag along. "You don't go on appearances too much, do you? Rarely are things as they seem. You do know that right?"

"I get it that this was an old case of yours, but..."

"Not mine. My partners. It was a case of hers and she cares about this girl." Nick began to read the reports that he was able to pull on the case. He read what Olivia had written and could almost feel the emotion behind every word. "I think it's a little more than he said she said."

"Maybe. I think it's good that women are in this unit. Gives the victim a sense that we give a damn, but sometimes they tend to blow things out of proportion. Waste time chasing down unnecessary angles and leads." Manuel glanced at Nick who refused to look up at him. "Reading about that case years ago isn't going to help nail her man now."

"Maybe not, but it will give me a sense of who this girl is." Nick was growing increasingly angry with Detective Manuel's perspective and he knew it would take every bit of discipline he had to keep the peace.

The ride upstate was completed in silence as Nick read everything he could on the case. He could feel Benson in the report and he realized time hadn't changed the way she approached a case, a situation a victim. He knew he would find a way to help this girl, not only for Maria's sake but for Olivia's as well.

Nick checked the house against the address given as he watched Manuel take the steps two at a time to the front door. He let his eyes scan the yard and he filed away the information that this house seemed out of the way. There were no neighboring houses and that alone give Nick an uneasy feeling. There was plenty of money poured into this house and Nick found that to be unexpected. He had gotten to the front door just as an older lady opened it to them.

Nick stood back after announcing himself once Manuel did. He listened to the conversation, taking note when the older lady began speaking in Spanish. Manuel switched as well and Nick listened carefully, learning that they were speaking with Martin Reyes' mother. She invited them both in and Nick immediately took in his surroundings. No, Reyes' wasn't home, nor was his wife. The old lady seemed to not know that either was missing. Nick excused himself, asking for the bathroom and was able to follow the directions given. He walked the large house room to room, looking for something, anything that would give them some insight as to what happened to Maria. He found what he believed to be the master bedroom, where he also found a picture of the happy couple on the wall. Maria still looked so young, maybe late teens, early twenties. He filed away a description of her husband and continued on.

He exited the house through the back door, his eyes scanning the wooded area that isolated the house from the nearby road. He had a sinking feeling as he rounded the house and found himself cursing his instincts. Nick snapped a picture of the child's toys that appeared to be hidden just underneath the house. He hurried back into the house where he continued his search looking for anything else that screamed child. He found what seemed to be a child's room. Clothes strewn about as if they left in a hurry. He sent Olivia a text warning her that there was quite possibly a child involved. No sign of husband or child. Children always upped the ante; he didn't like it but they did.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Maria kept her eyes closed as she lay on the uncomfortable hospital bed. She expected Martin to come storming through the doors at any time and she had to be ready. Ready to run, ready to fight, ready to defend herself. It only took one attempt at a deep breath to remind herself there would be no fighting, no running. She tried once to defend against her husband's angry blows only to be introduced to the full extent of Martin Reyes' rage. He was angry often, but furious was reserved for special occasions. Maria knew that she had created a special occasion by leaving, and she could only imagine how huge his rage must be.

She could often smell him before she saw him. What should be a slight advantage often served as a disabling warning. His cologne mixed with sweat, sometimes bourbon, sometimes beer. Maria learned which liquor hurt the worst, she would brace accordingly when that particular scent entered her senses. Martin liked his whiskey. He said it was a man's drink and only real men could drink it straight, tolerating the burn. Maria liked the smell of whiskey, but when it was mixed with the scent of her husband all she could smell was fear. She was never able to tolerate that particular burn. The familiar scent of emergency care invaded her senses now and she fought to keep her mind away from the equally familiar smell of her own fear.

Maria listened to the sound of a young child crying not far when where she pleaded with her body to settle down. She tried to focus on the child, it was a boy, she could tell. Quite possibly Mikey's age, she would never know for sure. She wondered if Mikey was being forced to witness the full on rage of his father. She could feel her heart skip several beats as she pictured her little boy sitting alone in a darkened room, crying for her. How could she do this to him? How could she just leave him like this? Maria needed to cry, but there were no tears. Crying was a release, she didn't deserve any relief at this point. Her heart continued to beat erratically against her heavy chest causing her ribs to scream at her that much more. She deserved to hurt, her baby did not.

Mikey wasn't an ordinary child, he had always been a boy with a secret. Maria was so young when she had him, barely a child herself at just fifteen. Maria was sure he had heard the slaps, the punches, the hard words that usually followed both. She hated when she caught a glimpse of his little face when he hugged her just a little too tight causing her to catch her breath. He was always quick to look away and Maria was thankful for at least that. She could hear his sweet little voice when he would ask her if she was going to get better. She always got better. She had to if she was going to be able to withstand more. Yeah, her baby lived with a secret even if he was too young to understand. A secret that was killing the child in him and the woman in her. Maria stayed, hoping, praying, believing. She had truly believed that things would get better, or at the very least not worse.

Each noise seemed louder than it probably was to Maria, her nerves all but severed. While the smells of a hospital were familiar, the sounds never were. Maria placed her hand on her chest with the smallest hope that the action would help calm her heart. Her blood pressure must be high, she could feel it as she pushed lightly against her breast. She searched behind her closed eyes, pleased when she was able to see Mikey again. He was able to take away her pain by just being. Maria would always be thankful to her husband for giving her such joy. She had breastfed her joy for nearly a year, despite the disapproving opinion of her husband. He didn't like it, he didn't like having to share her. She was caring for their child, his son, so he was at least accepting. He never hurt her when she was needed to care for his son. Maria would feel selfish using her baby in this way. Such a burden for a baby, a child, a young boy to carry.

Maria opened her eyes at the taste of blood. She hadn't realized it, but she had bitten down on her lip to prevent the tears that had broken through. She was able to cry for her son's pain, but had forbidden herself to mourn her own. The smells, the sounds, the familiar taste of blood all proved to be too much on Maria as she found herself wishing for somebody, anybody to come through the door. She prayed to be alone, now it was the lonliness that was threatening her. Martin's ring often caught her on the left side of her mouth, almost always causing her lip to split and blood to flood into her mouth. She could taste the blood in her mouth now and it only served as a reminder that fear was controlling her. Fear tasted like blood, it really was as simple as that.

Maria fought against the image of her husband as she struggled to stay conscious. Her body was begging her to let go, but her mind couldn't rest. He would find her if she slept. If she stayed conscious then the pain continued it's onslaught against her. Martin's eyes penetrated through her forced focus and she could see him. He was so close, his beautiful blue eyes so dark. Dark was the color of angry. Maria could almost feel Martin's hands on her as she fought to look away from his disabling gaze. She often threatened to leave him, she never did. She loved him, she believed he loved her. He always said he did anyway. His hands had a way of proving he loved her. So soft, gentle, loving. His touch often proved how much he really did care for her. She never closed her eyes when she was close to him. She had to watch him at all times. His hands, his face, his eyes. They changed from a happy blue to an angry black without warning most of the time. She always hoped for a warning, never mattered when she actually got one.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **

Olivia replaced her phone after receiving Nick's message. "Is she awake?"

Detective Wendy Williams finished off her cup of coffee before answering, her tone of pure frustration. "She seems to be but isn't talking."

"Okay, let me see if she'll talk to me." Olivia turned quickly when Williams grabbed her by the arm.

"I appreciate you coming, Benson, but I can handle this. This is no more than what I deal with everyday, much like yourself." Williams stared Olivia down hard before continuing. "I've already sent my partner to look for the husband, but it will do no good if she doesn't name him."

"This isn't about me or you, Detective. It's about that woman in there that is so traumatized she won't speak." Olivia shook free from Williams' grasp. "She trusts me. Enough to ask for me."

"I need her to do a rape exam. This is open and shut with the exam and we move on. This is really no more than a simple domestic..."

"A simple domestic? You're sure of that?" Olivia worked hard to hide her contempt for this woman. "You won't know that until she talks to you."

Williams walked into the room with Olivia close behind her. She approached the bed where Maria carefully turned her head, her eyes watching the woman before her. "Maria, I need to know who hurt you? Was this your husband?"

"I don't know. I don't know who hurt me." Maria's voice was weak and vulnerable and Olivia recognized the fear in it.

"I think you do. The quicker you tell me, the quicker we can pick him up. He won't do this again." Olivia shook her head at the way Detective Williams approached Maria.

Maria turned away then and it was obvious to both detectives that she wouldn't talk anymore about it.

"Maria, you've got to talk to me. I want to help you, but I can't if you don't talk to me." Williams was angry and it was obvious to Olivia that she really did not know how to deal with Maria.

"I want to talk to Olivia." Maria didn't know Olivia was in the room and she immediately turned back at the sound of her voice. "Olivia, she is angry with me."

"No, honey, she's not." Olivia glanced at Wendy as she leaned down once again so that Maria wouldn't have to move too much to see her. "She just wants to help you. Can you let us help you, Maria?"

Maria stared into Olivia's eyes. The trust that was there was almost too much as Olivia could feel the panic and fear she felt years ago as she pulled Maria out of the ground in the empty lot. Olivia tried not to respond to the tears that slowly made their way down Maria's face.

"You cannot help me. He will kill me because I left him." Maria's eyes never left Olivia's.

"I can help you. I can, Maria. Just tell me who hurt you. Is it your husband?" Olivia voice calmed Maria and Williams stood back watching the interaction.

The slight shake of her head confirmed what they all had suspected. "Olivia, he will kill me when he finds me."

"I will find him, Maria." Olivia glanced back at Williams before directing her attention back to Maria. "Maria, did he rape you?"

"He is my husband."

"I understand that, but Maria he has hurt you. Has he raped you as well?" Olivia grasped Maria's hands as she struggled with her thoughts. "I need you to do an exam for us. It will help later."

"No, Olivia. I can't. He will kill me."

Olivia used her hands to calm Maria. She gave her a few minutes before she started again. "Maria, is there a child involved here?"

Maria couldn't control the tears now and that was answer enough for Olivia. She held Maria's hands tight as she glanced at Detective Williams who quickly left the room.

"It's okay. I will help you. Tell me about your baby, Maria."


	7. Chapter 7

A Strong Fragility Chapter 7

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Olivia carefully positioned herself in the chair that she had pulled up close so that Maria would know she wanted to hear what she had to say. Needed to hear what had happened to her not only now but since she had last seen her years ago. She kept eye contact with Maria despite the young woman's reluctance to do the same. Olivia could see the guilt, shame and fear that Maria tried to hide. She could also see how bad Maria had been hurt and worked to control the anger that so often clouded her thoughts and therefore her voice. "I can help you, Maria. I need you to talk to me."

"That detective was angry. She doesn't understand, Olivia." Maria's voice shook with each word. "You understand. I know you understand, Olivia."

"I do know how scared you are. I do, Maria and I can help you. Tell me about your husband. Tell me about your son." Olivia looked back at Detective Williams as she entered the room. "It's okay, Detective Williams is going to help you as well."

"He will come for me, Olivia. I can't say too much." Maria was going to shut down now that Williams was present and Olivia recognized Maria's sudden change in demeanor.

"Talk to me, Maria. Okay, honey? Just talk to me." Olivia realized she was begging, not caring that Detective Williams took up a position against the back wall. "Tell me what happened to you."

Maria stared into Olivia's eyes before glancing toward Williams.

"Maria." Olivia's voice was enough to gain Maria's full attention once again and the tears began before her words and Olivia braced, knowing she would feel every bit of Maria's pain.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Maria knew the train was traveling quickly; there wasn't much time to dwell on any one particular piece of scenery as it flashed by. Her stomach in knots as she was in a hurry to leave, but now found herself dreading her arrival. She didn't set out with a destination in mind, anywhere but here was her only commitment. You can never go home again. Who decided that? How could they know how true it really was?

She was barely fifteen when she had met him. It was these harbored memories that she held onto. He was confident, bordering cocky as he watched her take him in. She could tell immediately he knew he had attracted her and she didn't mind. His hair was a darker blond and his eyes a piercing blue. A pretty boy as she had heard his type referred to as. He looked strong and carried himself stronger; a man's man, whatever that really meant.

He began to reel her in with his first comments. She remembered how close he leaned in when he described what a child of theirs would possibly look like. She remembered wanting to be appalled at how forward he was, but instead was intrigued to enter into his fantasy. Her dark hair in contrast to his, her dark eyes in comparison to his. The combination could quite possibly make for a beautiful child.

Maria watched as the trees made quick appearances before being replaced by new ones. The miles flying by much like the years had, much like her life was. The trees and the grass seemed to brace against the cold causing Maria to pull her coat tighter around her despite the contradicting stale air that surrounded her in the train. She could feel her breathing grow shallow, her heart pound louder. She could feel a bead of sweat as it made it's way down her back. She turned to look behind her almost as if that would be enough to go back. She was suddenly sorry she had left. She was desperately sorry for leaving him behind. Her reasoning made sense then, it was tormenting her now.

That beautiful child, so young, so innocent. Not so naïve, despite his best attempts to protect his mother from what he knew. He was a junior, his father demanding it that way. It was okay with Maria, it connected them as did the love father showed to son. Beautiful, worth it. Maria had to leave, to protect her son, his son. His father never hurt him and she believed he never would, but still the boy suffered. He lived in a house with secrets. Secrets about what happened at night when Daddy was disgusted with his life and everything in it. It was as if he knew to be silent. As if he thought this was the way life just was.

She was desperate to go back for him, she would never survive without him. She would never survive if she went back, she knew this much. It didn't stop the need, the ache she felt as she stared at the door to the train that was as of right now unavailable to her. She had made her decision and now she would have to live with it. Hopefully she would get to live with it.

They were so young, or maybe Maria just felt that way against the confident demeanor of her husband. She married him right away, she had wanted to be his wife more than anything at the time. She had wanted a tattoo, something to match his, but he wouldn't allow it. It's wasn't lady like he would say, yet he had no problem tattooing her with his hands. His way of compromising perhaps.

Maria didn't want to revisit her haunting memories that her body reminded her weren't all that buried. She didn't want to look ahead to an uncertain new life. She forced her attention on the scenery outside the train and knew she had no control. Life would take her where she was destined, she had to believe in that. She didn't believe in too much these days, life was rarely kind anymore.

She was fifteen the first time Martin hit her. He didn't actually hit her, she was wrong. She was often wrong when it came to Martin and he was always so sure to point that out to her. He had held onto her arm so tight that his fingertips left bruises. She remembered the shock that was completely replaced by fear as he held her still with one hand. He had tried to explain later that he had to hold her there because he felt like he was losing her and he couldn't survive losing her. Maria shifted in her seat at the memory. So long ago, so vivid in her mind now. The next night he kissed each bruise and apologized. He was truly sorry and she felt it, she believed it. She cried because he was upset, because he was hurting. It didn't take long and she no longer believed him to be sorry. He always apologized, but he was never sorry.

Maria had soon learned not to cry. She had learned that club soda and Clorox got blood stains out of the carpet. She had figured out, almost by accident, that if she didn't tense up before he struck her, she recovered that much faster. It was always a fight to survive, but she was never allowed to fight. She was expected to survive and had up until now. Maria wondered if the expectation placed on her throughout the years far exceeded what she was capable of.

It would be a few hours before Mikey would be picked up from school. A few hours before Martin realized she was gone. She thought about how he would be pissed at first, figuring she had forgotten to pick Mikey up, or was too tired to get out of bed that day. Fatigue wasn't what kept her in the bed all day, but to Martin the real cause was irrelevant. She then envisioned him flying into a full blown fury once he put the pieces together. She felt herself begin to shake at the image she had created, almost feeling his anger on her body...again.

Maria was beginning to hear again. Hear something other than her thoughts, her memories. She could barely make out the sound of the child crying again nearby. Mikey never cried, even as a baby. He would cry for his needs, but not for much more. As he grew, he would seldom smile. Maria would talk to him, sing to him, play with him. Anything to make the baby smile as it was that smile that so often repaired what was broken within her. As he grew, he continued to ration out his emotions, only giving her what she felt she deserved. His arms hugged tight, but his expression stayed blank. As he grew he would tire of asking what happened, knowing his mother had yet another accident.

Martin would never hurt Mikey. She believed that, she had to believe that. She would often watch her husband interact with her son and it filled her heart to know that he loved her boy. Mikey smiled more often when he played with his father and while it bothered her that she was rarely the reason for her son's joy, she would soak up his face when he was happy. She would commit his sweet little face to her memory as she knew she would need the image to force any others away.

The crying was growing louder and Maria could feel her heart begin to beat harder. Was it really Mikey crying for her? She wanted to go to him, needed to go to him, but she couldn't move. Martin wouldn't allow her. She struggled against him while he held her down, telling her the boy would have to learn. Maybe he was cold, maybe he had a nightmare, maybe he just wanted his mother. Martin said no. He was having a temper tantrum and that she needed to stop babying him. The crying turned into screams and Maria's heart broke with the sounds. She continued against her husband's strong hold as his fingers dug into her arms. She demanded to go to her baby, she then begged. Martin said no.

It was when the crying stopped, so did the struggling. Maria needed to go to her child. She needed to make sure he was alright. He was quiet now, too quiet and Maria was worried. Martin laughed as he had proven her wrong...again. Mikey was having a typical tantrum and had quickly wore himself out enough to fall back asleep. Martin waited for his wife to calm down before he kissed her. It was when she didn't respond, that he hit her. Those were her options, checking on their son, her baby, was not. Maria made love to her husband that night with a heavy heart and a bruised cheekbone. She barely heard Martin say he loved her, she didn't hear the baby crying at all.

Mikey seemed thrilled when he awoke to the snow covered front yard. Maria sat out in the cold, letting the air numb her as the love for her boy filled her. Such a contrast to the heat and the sand, the sun and the water. The snow was simply a different color playground to him and she was pleased that he appeared to be such a normal child. Maria so didn't want to move away from Florida. She had no choice, not if she wanted to keep her family intact. And she did. She loved her baby more than life, and she loved her husband. She loved Martin except for when she didn't. He wasn't two different people, she was and she recognized this. She was content in her world, loving her boy, loving her husband. She enjoyed the beauty of nature, the mystery of the world and her imagination that so often was her escape.

Then she was alone, isolated from all she once knew, all she once had. He had decided for her and she had little choice but to comply. Her world was suddenly cold, empty and lonely. The weather was never much of a factor in Maria's day to day, but it suddenly became just another enemy. She complained a little too much, a little too loud. She really had only made a simple comment about the cold and Martin was angry. She was sorry and she said as much but it was too little, too late. The sting she felt against her cheek was enough to turn her whole body. She crumbled quickly as her body absorbed his blows. His goal was to have her fall at his feet and he succeeded. He always succeeded. She held her eye as she wondered how much more before he would storm off. There would be no more that night she waited until it was safe to stand. She caught sight of Mikey heading up to his room. She wanted to go to him, to lie again for his father. To tell him that she was okay and that Daddy didn't mean it. Her legs denied her as it was her breathing that saved her. She forced herself to her feet, looking for Martin, knowing he had since left her alone.

She wanted to leave him. She wanted to be free of the constant worry, the constant aching. Maria loved her husband, he was all she had. She loved her little boy and was torn at how much he adored his father. She couldn't take Mikey away from what he knew, what he loved and who he was. She would die before she harmed her boy in any way. Mikey wouldn't look at her the next day. He refused to meet her eyes. He was embarrassed and so was she. She didn't want to leave her husband, she just wanted him to stop hurting her. She just wanted to be able to love him with her eyes closed.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Olivia gently smoothed Maria's hair back so that it was away from her eyes, her cuts and her bruises. She hated how Maria's life had turned out since she had saved her, rescued her and sent her home to her mother. She was so young and had already lived a life well beyond her years. She had already experienced and endured more than most women would ever have to and it wasn't yet over for this woman who wasn't much more than a child herself.

Maria's eyes were growing heavy and she fought against exhaustion. She had stopped talking, and Olivia wondered if she had stopped breathing as well as her movements were so very still. Olivia didn't trust herself to move, not until Maria finally let go enough to fall asleep. She didn't want to risk Maria seeing her lose control for that was what was threatening to happen.

"Detective, we will need that exam." Williams had moved closer knowing Maria was spent and Benson was furious.

Olivia squeezed Maria's hand realizing she barely had enough energy to react to what she would have to endure next. She held her other hand up to Williams, silencing her immediately. Olivia continued to hold Maria's hand as she waited for her to fall asleep, ignoring the impatient detective that paced behind her. She gently placed Maria's hand across her chest before standing to face Williams. Without a word, Olivia walked out of the room into the hospital hallway where the bright lights caused her to cringe slightly.

"Liv, how bad is she?" Fin rarely admitted to emotion, but Olivia saw just that in his eyes.

Olivia looked up at Williams before glancing back at Fin. She then walked away knowing Fin caught her request to follow. He stopped when she did and gave her the necessary time to say what she needed to. "I want this guy. Martin Reyes."

Fin nodded realizing how affected Olivia was by what Maria had told her.

"Fin, there's another child. I need to find Maria's son." Olivia watched as Fin walked away from her without needing direction. She watched as Williams consulted with Maria's doctor. She knew the rape exam was a necessary evil and that Maria had endured too much already. She also knew she wouldn't leave her, she would stay with her throughout the entire process. Olivia locked eyes with Detective Williams, silently asking that she wait just a little longer. Just a little longer so that she could prepare Maria for what was to come.


	8. Chapter 8

A Strong Fragility Chapter 8

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

The heat was always an irritant for Martin Reyes and his moods were easily affected by the long summers and short winters or lack thereof. They had met in Florida, fell in love in Florida and created a life in Florida. It was home to Maria ever since leaving Honduras as a child and she had grown to love her new home. It was easy to fall in love to the sounds of crashing waves and salty air. It was easy to fall apart to the sounds of shattering glass and breaking nerves. Florida was home to Maria now and she was desperate to go back home where she felt comfortable. Comfortable despite the heat, the humidity and her husband's low tolerance for either.

Maria quickly learned about marriage and about being married to Martin Reyes. Their marriage consisted of many inconsistencies that she chose to ignore and even defend. This was her life now, this was who she had chosen to be, who she had chosen to love. Her marriage consisted of please yes, sometimes; and please no, others. She remembered the first time she had begged him. She had admitted to infidelity while talking in her sleep, this is what he informed her of when she was harshly awoken by his angry hand. Maria would come to learn how quickly he could control her every move, every thought with just one finger and one thumb on either side of her jaw. He would watch her tolerate the pain, his eyes staring her down while she refused to cry. His fingers often left bruises, causing her to fear sleeping when overly tired. Maria had begged him to let go, pleaded with him. It had worked. That time.

Maria could hear activity behind her and she tried to open her eyes. They were so heavy and she felt so exhausted that her efforts were futile at best. She wondered if Martin had found her; had come for her. He would most likely play the part of the worried, concerned spouse. He was so very good when he needed to be. She could feel her body begin to shake in anticipation of his touch, his hands on her. Again she tried to open her eyes and again she gave in to her inability to pull herself from the haze she was drowning in. If he was here, he would wait until she was awake. He would wait until she knew for certain that he had found her. He would wait until she looked into his eyes before he would hurt her.

Maria didn't know what she was going to do; how she would live with the anticipation of Martin's love connecting with her already broken body. She had left him once before, not long after they had left Florida in favor of his family home in New York. She told him she didn't want to move, he punished her. The cold air burned her lungs before numbing as winter came early this year. She would adapt, eventually. It wasn't the outside temperature that scared her but the indoor heat. Her body burned when he touched her, loved her, hurt her. He never wanted her as much as when she was broken. They say love hurts. They...were right. If she left, he would find her. She waited until her husband's breathing evened out and she left. She was so tired of ducking and dodging, begging and pleading; so tired of apologizing. She said she was sorry often and she so often was.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxx**

Detective Wendy Williams tried to be understanding and she tried to be patient, but the fact was she needed Maria to consent to getting a rape kit done. She had every intention of not only finding her husband but charging him with the attack on his wife and the evidence they needed would be gathered during the exam. Maria had refused each time Detective Williams asked. There wasn't much time; Maria didn't care.

Olivia looked up as the Queens detective spotted her towards the back of the cafeteria. She could read the woman's mind as she made her way towards her.

"Let me guess, Maria is refusing." Olivia kept her eyes steady on Williams, but her voice seemed to jump everywhere.

"Does she not understand that we need the evidence the kit will provide when it comes time to make these charges stick against her husband?" Williams was angry and Olivia just glared at her over her coffee cup. "I get that she's scared and that she's already been through too much, but if she wants us to catch this son of a..."

"She doesn't want us to catch him. We catch him, he will eventually catch her and she knows this." Olivia waited for Williams to get on board with her. "What if we can't make this stick? What if he walks? Maria understands."

"Talk to her. She trusts you. We need this sooner than later, Benson. You know this." Detective Williams seemed pissed that Maria would talk to Benson and not her. She was pissed that Olivia was able to get through to her victim, essentially running her investigation. She also knew Benson was the only way she had of getting through to Maria.

"Any leads on finding her husband?" Olivia worked to keep her voice steady. "We really need to find him before he realizes she's here."

"Let him come here, that'll make our jobs that much easier."

Olivia stared Williams down. She waited until she was ready before stating her opinion knowing this case was not hers and not hers to run. "You let him come here you let him control everything. You heard what that girl told us in there. You need to find him before he finds her."

Williams got to her feet, clearly resenting the way Olivia talked to her. "Will you please talk to her? We will find Reyes and when we do I will want to put this whole thing to bed and move on."

"Don't forget there is a child involved here." Olivia tossed her coffee into the trash as she watched Williams wave her off as she left the cafeteria. She felt as if her hands were tied by not being able to proceed the way she thought necessary. Olivia knew she would be criticized for being too involved with the victim. She knew that was the fine line she was walking right now and she knew how important the rape exam was despite the trauma Maria had already been through.

Olivia sat back down at the table closest to the window in the quiet cafeteria. She stared outside focusing on nothing in particular as her thoughts took her back to Vicki Sayers. Maybe she did get too involved with the victims, allowing them to take a piece of her heart each time. Or maybe others, such as Detective Williams didn't get involved enough. It was a delicate line that Olivia so often walked and sometimes her balance wavered.

"_Leave me alone."_

"_Vicki, drop the gun."_

"_No, I...I have to protect myself."_

"_I'm going to protect you, Vicki. I promise. Now drop the gun. Now. Now!"_

"_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."_

"_You're under arrest for criminal possession of a weapon."_

"_Please don't do this to me. Please."_

Olivia closed her eyes tight against the memories not too old, and still very fresh in her mind.

"_I'm the one who was raped and you're arresting me?"_

"_You're lucky I didn't shoot you with that gun in your hand."_

"_How else am I supposed to protect myself?"_

"_By helping me catch the guy who's been attacking you."_

"_He's too smart. You're never going to get him."_

"_I will if you trust me."_

The sounds of sirens filtered into Olivia's thoughts and she realized Williams was waiting for her to talk to Maria. She hated making Maria suffer any more but she hated even more the thought her husband getting away with it and having the chance to finally kill her. She pulled out her phone knowing she would find him before he realized Maria was here. If he were responsible for hurting Maria, he would know to look for her in a hospital. And chances were he knew she wouldn't have gotten far in her condition. "Fin, I think we look here for him. He'll be looking for her and he'll eventually find her here. Find the kid, you'll find him."

Olivia closed her phone and forced herself to her feet. Vicki was another one she had wanted to check on from time to time. She made a mental note to do just that as soon as she knew Maria was safe.

"_I'm sorry, Vicki. I pushed you. I just don't know if we have any time left."_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_He's escalating. He nearly killed you with that bottle. Next time he will."_

"_I'm scared."_

"_That's why I need you to talk to me. You haven't changed your clothes and I can see you didn't shower."_

"_You said I shouldn't."_

"_I know you want to catch this son of a bitch as much as I do. So, come on. I'm going to take you to the hospital, all right?"_

"_It's not too late?"_

"_We can recover evidence up to ninety-six hours after the attack."_

"_Will you stay with me?"_

"_For as long as it takes."_

Olivia made it to where Williams was pacing outside of Maria's room. She fielded the almost angry glare from Williams at first but then decided to call her on it. "You got something to say to me, let's hear it."

"She's had enough time, Benson. You're wasting time. You can get through to her and you're wasting time." Williams was angry and had no problems letting Olivia know. "What are you protecting her from?"

"How long have you been Special Victims, Detective?" Olivia had no problem going back at Williams. "Doesn't matter. You protect the victim. Always."

"_You want me to do what?"_

"_Stop hiding. Your never going to be free until you start living your life."_

"_I can't."_

"_You can't let Harris control you anymore."_

"_Now this is my fault?"_

"_It's...it's never a victim's fault. Rapists have a sick need to feel powerful. Now, the only way to stop Harris is to take that power away."_

"_He will kill me."_

"_Vicki, if I have to live with you for the next twenty years, I promise you he's never going to touch you again."_

Olivia walked away from Williams and entered Maria's room. She took a few minutes before announcing she was there. Maria eyes were open but she wasn't there and Olivia hated bringing her back. "Maria."

"I'm not doing it, Olivia. They can't make me. Can they make me?" Maria was scared and her voice shook when she spoke.

"No, Maria. They can't make you." Olivia sat down on the bed, immediately taking Maria's hand in her own. "You came back to the city and you asked for me because you wanted me to help you. Am I right, Maria?"

"He will find me. Olivia, he always does and this time he will kill me." Maria tried to pull away but Olivia stopped her. "I have to get out of here, he will find me."

"Maria, listen to me. Listen to me." Olivia's voice was enough to get Maria to settle down and once she did Olivia continued. "I will not let him near you, but you've got to help us. He will eventually kill you, you are right, but you can stop him."

"I can't. Olivia, he will come here and...I have to leave now." Maria tried to pull away again and this time Olivia let her. She cringed when Maria cried out in pain and once again settled down.

"I know you're scared, I know. Maria, let me help you." Olivia held her breath while Maria stared at her. "Did Martin Reyes rape you?"

Maria shook her head, but said nothing.

"I will put him away when I find him. Do you understand, Maria? I will put him in jail for a very long time. Do you want me to find him?"

Again Maria shook her head. "What about Mikey?"

"I will find him." Olivia grabbed Maria's hand once again. "Do you trust me?"

Maria shook her head and pulled her hand from Olivia's to wipe away the tears that began to make their way down her face.

"Okay, I need help, Maria. I need you to get this exam done. It will help when we do find your husband. It will help put him away for a long time." Olivia wondered just how much time Martin Reyes would get and she knew a lot of that depended on Maria.

"But he's my husband. They will not arrest him." Maria began shaking and Olivia could hear the fear in her voice.

"Doesn't matter. He raped you." Olivia leaned closer to Maria. "Please, Maria. Get this exam done and let me do the rest."

Maria closed her eyes after letting her head fall back against the pillow giving Olivia plenty of opportunity to take in her injuries. She wasn't so sure Martin Reyes hadn't intended to kill his wife this time. "Will you stay with me?"

"I will stay with you for as long as it takes. The whole time, Maria." Olivia waited while Maria worked through her fear. When Maria shook her head, Olivia let out a long breath of relief. "Okay, I need to go talk to Detective Williams."

"No, Olivia! Don't leave!"

Olivia immediately heard the young, scared girl on the phone years ago. Her heart instantly reminded her of how scared she was for this little girl then and it wasn't any different now. She felt Maria's fear and it only fueled her determination to find her husband and save Maria from the life she had come to accept. "I will be right outside this door. I won't leave you, Maria. Trust me."

Detective Williams pushed herself off the counter where she was growing increasingly impatient. "Well?"

"She's agreed, but I will stay with her." Olivia dared Williams to object.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Detective. Don't you see the conflict here?" Williams turned to go into Maria's room but stopped when Olivia stood in her way. "This is not your case, or your victim. We'll take it from here. I appreciate your help."

"Conflict? You see me holding her hand through such a frightening , humiliating experience as a conflict?" Olivia kept her voice low but her emotions were running high. Only Fin grabbing her arm kept her from grabbing Williams.

"Detective Williams. We found a car registered to a one Martin Reyes parked three blocks from here. Thought you may want to follow up on that." Fin physically pulled Olivia further away from the other detective knowing she would react to his words as well.

"He's here." Olivia's whispered words gained a nod from Fin.

Williams pulled her phone from her pocket, staring at Olivia the whole time. "You want to babysit Maria Reyes then go ahead. I will find her husband and close this case down."

"Remember, there is a child involved." Olivia's tone was pure frustration and Fin did his best to calm her.

When Williams walked away Fin explained in detail what was found and when and by who. Olivia was right to believe Reyes was quicker than he was being given credit for. She was right to believe he would come looking for his wife and she was right to believe he was close. "Amaro is with her partner, neither seem too interested in anything other than the collar."

"Fin, where is that boy?" Olivia was torn between getting out there and staying with Maria. "I promised Maria I would find him and bring him to her safe."

"Amaro is trying to find him, Liv. We'll find him." Fin watched as the hospital staff was heading towards Maria's room. "She needs you."

Olivia knew Maria needed her and she promised to be there with her, for her the entire way. "It's hard to fight with your hands tied, Fin."

"So, then you use your feet. That's what I intend to do." Fin walked away. He was just as angry and frustrated as Olivia was and it only reminded her of how hard he worked to find Maria when the animal was Richard Dwyer. Another monster, another name, but Maria was the same girl. He wanted her safe just as much as Olivia did.

Maria looked up, meeting Olivia's eyes when she opened the door. Olivia felt the fear that was consuming Maria and she felt the anger that was quickly consuming her.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxx**

Maria Recinos was beautiful, young and oh so easy to love. Martin smiled at the memory of how innocent she was, how naïve, and how taken with him she was. He married her right away and she became Mrs. Martin Reyes and she then became his. That's the way he saw it; that's the way it was. He accepted when she challenged him, disagreed or flat out rebelled against him. He allowed her to try him. He allowed her until he didn't.

He thought her that much more beautiful when she carried their child. She would sing to the unborn baby and he often wondered what she was singing. She looked so happy and Martin knew it was him that had made her that way. She wanted a baby and he gave her what she wanted. He allowed her to sing to the baby however she wanted to. He allowed it until he didn't.

Martin could see his wife so clearly just by looking at their son. It irritated him that Mikey resembled his mother more than he looked like him. His dark hair and dark eyes only made him miss Maria every time he laid eyes on his son. Mikey was a good looking boy and it wouldn't be long before he would begin to grow into the man he was expected to be. Martin hated that he heard his son cry for his mother; he hated that his son cried at all. He hated crying and Maria learned quickly. He allowed her to cry when she needed to. He allowed her that release. He allowed her until he didn't.

He taught her not to cry by punishing her when she did. She learned to take her punishment without a sound and for a while he was proud of his wife. Then he wasn't. He worked to break her and always succeeded. She was his wife, she promised herself to him for life. He intended to hold her to that promise. She tried to leave once before. He had tried to kill her then, but couldn't. He loved Maria too much to ever let her go and he wouldn't. She promised to never try again. She begged and then she promised. He loved to hear her beg him. She begged him to stop and then she promised not to go. She feared him and that was necessary, he knew. He didn't like hurting his wife, but he couldn't risk her leaving him. She promised to never try to leave him again. She kept her promise...until she didn't.


End file.
